June 4

June 4. Today was the day Alfie and I met Emily when we visited our friends at the NICU.

June 4 was also the day my brother died, at about six months old, before I was born. When we visited Emily I thought about him, and as we took a picture of her with her parents I thought about how all I know of Michael is photographs, like this one. Many pictures of him are with lots of tubes and whatever else obscuring the view of him. My mom has told me that NICU nurses commented to her on her great ability to see the baby and not the tubes. Many people cannot get past the tubes, they said.

Technology. Today there are easier ways to capture a movie... Emily's younger siblings get to see her alive, though they never knew her when she was alive on this earth. That is special.

I do not feel sad about my brother dying. I have seen the pictures of him with tubes, and I have heard the stories of the constant crying from pain. He died and I have hope that he is now with Christ, with no more tubes, and no more pain. My mom has a sad moment sometimes, remembering what he went through, but she says they pass quickly because she knows he is in heaven. Her sadness is replaced with great joy.

Someone asked me once, "Do you ever wonder why your brother died of a heart defect and then you were born healthy?" I live because God allowed me to live. I woke up this morning by the grace of God. I made it home from work by the grace of God. I could wonder about those things just as much! But I don't, because God is sovereign, and my faith and trust is in Him and His plan and His timing which is beyond any human understanding. All I can do is pray for wisdom and grace to live the life He has given me in a way that brings Him glory.